Election 2020: End of the Fucking Road, pretty much | Under the Radar - Music Magazine
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Election 2020: End of the Fucking Road, pretty much

It’s a Two-Man Race Now, But Joe Biden Will Be the Nominee

Mar 12, 2020 By Steve King
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There’s only one feeling in politics that’s better than being right: It’s being surprised. More than a dozen primaries in, Joe Biden’s numbers are nothing to sneeze at, or cough at, or look at. He beat Bernie Sanders’ brains out on Super Tuesday and then kept doing it across the Midwest. Gray matter all over the plains. March is the month that decides primaries, and this one is over. It’s Biden. 

Michael Bloomberg spent half a billion dollars just to shit the bed in two debates, Fred Thompson-style and then had his face ripped off by Elizabeth Warren. Barring an unforeseen clusterwoops to end all clusterwoopsies, Sanders will not catch up with Biden’s delegate count, piss stream, ego, nothing. For all of Sanders’ boasting, he has never increased turnout. Biden did. There will be no revolution, only a war of attrition until November.

What fucking reality did you think you were in?     

Democrats have coalesced around Biden even though he has clearly missed a step, which would be close to the same stride as Trump. Biden’s record is occasionally problematic, but overall he’s a good man. I could point out his past stances on abortion, race, war; the list goes on and on, but I could also point to his service under the first black/last real president. You could say his hot mess drama queen son is a liability, but honestly, look at the Trump brothers. They’re the most expensive nothings you’ve ever seen.

Biden was known as one the brokest politicians in town. Does the man have a penchant for sticking his foot all the way down his fucking throat? Oh, hell yeah. But Biden’s massacre of the English language pales in comparison to the current president.

After Michigan, Sanders has no path to the Democratic nomination that doesn’t include a brokered convention, and it wasn’t the establishment that beat him this time. It was black voters. Sure, the party bosses (fake, corporate Democrats) tried to steal it in Iowa, but they didn’t need to. Sanders’ supernatural ability to turn victories into defeats confirms the one thing he hates most to be identified as: a Goddamned Democrat. 

His window closed. There was a moment during the primaries when he seemed to have become an unstoppable juggernaut but that’s the fun of politics. Reality can change on a dime. Everything moves super slowly, until it doesn’t. Then your old way of thinking is fucking dead!

Sanders will fight on, of course. No one beats a dead horse like Bernard (Glock, gender irrelevant) Sanders. If he didn’t drop out when it was clear Hillary Clinton was going to be the nominee in 2016, he sure as shit won’t drop out for Biden. No. Senate BroLaw will need another way out. This primary has to end in a different way. 

Democrats have no appetite for a brokered convention, and it would be damaging to the party that’s already champing at the bit to fight Trump. Blah blah blah. The lib-whisperer, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, basically said there will be no contested convention, and since she was one of the first important Sanders endorsements, and has the most passionate following in the party, she might have to be the one to tell him to pack it in. Like Goldwater to Nixon. She’s pretty much the only person who can. She will be the kingmaker of 2020, then she’ll be our Queen in 2024. 

In the meantime: Oh my fucking god, we’re gonna have a debate with a couple of hairplug weirdos. I love how people start talking about “cognitive decline” only when this president is running for reelection. Only a pussy-grabber could make a shoulder-rubber look like a crazier perv. Oh god, it’s just a couple of old fogies arguing and calling each other demented. Nooooooo!!!!! Imagine that debate. If your teeth stay in the whole time, you win. You’re president. Congratulations! 

Am I heartbroken and despondent about not having a woman at the top of the ticket? Especially women like Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren? Yes. Is it depressing beyond words? Most definitely. However, I have a glimmer of hope. If Biden chooses a VP candidate, like Stacey Abrams, he will be able to replicate Obama’s coalition and numbers with African Americans. If he does that, it won’t be a just a landslide toward normality; he will have a chance to win back the Senate. And that’s the whole magilla. He’ll be able to put Obama on the Supreme Court and turn the tide of insanity the country is drowning in.

Or not. Or we’ll all get the coronavirus and die in the gutters of Trump’s America. But it’s a fight that good people must wage, even if they lose. To paraphrase another failed 2020 Democrat: “If this country hasn’t broken your heart... you don’t love her enough.” 

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