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Jul 30, 2019 By Steve King Bernie Sanders

Who wants to read about Democrats?!

Still awake? Okay. So we’re only dealing with a handful of people but, yes, 20-something others were/are/forever running for president. It’s not like we’ll all be alive for Election Day 2020, no big deal. *laughs until cries* ... Anyway. I’m sorry. Democrats have a way of boring their greatest supporters into comas or system malfunctions. Where was I…? Handful of people, that’s right. We got Biden, Bernie, Warren, Harris, and that’s it. Buttigieg has the money but his numbers are mired in the single digits. Two will end up on a ticket and the others will not. Most of the rest shouldn’t be on the stage and that’s with the deepest love and respect to some candidates with more qualifications than the current president. We need to come correct and not fuck it up this time.

I’m sorry. Was I rambling again? Guess that means I can get about 30% of the Democratic primary vote. But I wasn’t Obama’s VP leaning on late 2000s nostalgia. Ah fuck! Did you just read that?! I can’t believe I wrote it. 2000s nostalgia? Oh, we’re done. That’s what it means to be a Democrat in 2019.

Wait. We were gonna do an “In Memoriam” for the people who dropped out already like Eric Swalwell, Andrew Yang, Marianne Williamson, and that other dude. Wait, those last two didn’t drop out yet? Whatever. No one cares. They’re cool and all but come on, no chance, no, nah, the hardest of passes. Nope. No time.

Not everyone will make it to Iowa, y’all. Democratic debates aren’t really about decision making. They’re about confirmation bias and clarifying positions. They’re about passion. All-encompassing, single-minded, obsessive, irrational, embarrassing passion. Passion is stronger than reason. It leaves itself open to any number of attacks that may have been powerless against reason.

Democrats are the only people in the world who could lose an election to the actual antichrist, but they’re still half of America. Blue goes with everything. Red doesn’t always work. We finally got a race that’s worth a damn. Oooooooh, it’s sexy.

Democrats believe history repeating itself gets old after awhile. It’s always time to forget some old tradition and create a new one. Some of these people should be running for Senate seats, and most have no business on a presidential debate stage. Only one of these candidates can hand the president his thicc, rancid ass.

It was all shadow boxing up until now. The Democratic Party is about to enter a new dimension with different gravity. With these debates the narrative is evolving. Republicans are Sunday and Democrats are Monday. We’re wishy washy, dithering, long-winded, bitchy, wet blanket, crybabies. I know. I know. Obama would not approve… but he definitely knows how much Democrats suck. The debate structure is so stupid it’s brilliant. But Kirsten Gillibrand doesn’t deserve to be on the same stage as Andrew Yang. I mean, come on! The cream will rise but fuck me gently with a chainsaw. It’s time to shrink the cast and start writing out main characters.

If this many seemingly serious and good people can be so influenced by such an inherently silly and gruesome president, what’s the point? Politics may be permanently damaged. Warren and Buttigieg figured it out. That’s about it. As stomach-churning as the race may be, I’m excited. I’ve got a good feeling. A more powerful dreadful feeling, sure, but I have the slimmest glimmer of hope

We can joke and laugh but politics is serious business. Presidents since the ‘90s have one trait that makes people pay attention: They’re fun. The saying goes “Democrats don’t fall in line. They fall in love.” Hard. Democrats like to pick to new kids over the fogies. They only win when they pick the new model over the old ones. Just calm down and enjoy the ride.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders

Democrats tend to only make the same electoral mistake once every 10 years. Sanders is roadkill. He always was. If we’re honest with ourselves, he was never a top tier candidate. Sure, standing next to Lincoln Chafee, Jim Webb, Martin O’Malley, and fucking Hillary Clinton, you might look like the Second Coming of Christ, but let’s be real. Bernie was Dennis Kucinich, after he was cool… Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Sanders might have been able to pick up Obama’s sloppy seconds in 2016, but in a real race, he’s just another feeble, old white man. Bernie has always been a hack. His supporters were always dickish amateurs and if their rhetoric were only on social media they wouldn’t have ruined the country in the last presidential election. He has the grassroots support (money) to stay long after he should get out of the race, but this is the real world, yo, and people are finally starting to notice Sanders is all fur coat and no trousers.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren

I was dead wrong about Lizzy. She got over that initial bullshit real quick, campaigned her ass off, took all the selfies, and did some old-fashioned preaching. Liz Warren preaching! Like I said, passion matters to Democrats. Hard work still counts to us humans. You can’t bullshit it anymore.

She turned a sluggish start into a Force with nothing but hustle and grit. Even Trump has to respect that kind of game. I may want a Harris/Warren ticket but I can live with Warren/Harris. Warren is the compromise, and the strongest candidate. She’s not a corporate Democrat or insane person. She’s acceptable to everyone. She can become president.

California Senator Kamala Harris

My girl came The Fuck through. I told y’all she was coming. To be honest, I didn’t watch that first debate. I think the format is fair but a little too fair, you know? Not everyone deserves a participation trophy. I’m sure the first one was good and all, and it seemed to help Mayor Pete and Warren, which is a good thing, but I’ll be damned if I was gonna be caught watching that shit by Marianne Williamson’s powerful witch gods. I heard Beto choked like a dog. Viewing that first 2020 debate must have been like having a heart attack in your dirtiest underwear…

The point is: I told you; Harris. Is Not. To. Be. Fucked. With. You bet your ass I only watched that second debate. What I really want is to see Harris pull Sanders’ guts out onstage. And she knows that too. They know that she knows they know, so… Get ready for the debates this week. We’re going to get one more Biden/Harris rematch before shit gets real.

I’ll tell you something. I’ve been getting into meditation and breathing and I’ve done this thing for the last year or so. Three syllable words are the best way to count during breathing exercises. Like Kamala: breathe in on “Ka,” hold it on “Ma,” and let it out at “La.” Ka-ma-la. Try it. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Anyway, during that second debate I DM’d a friend who has teased me for years about my once-powerful love of Ted Cruz and said to her, “This is like the convention when Zodiac didn’t endorse Trump but a million times better.” The point is, the universe sends you little signals, and Harris’ has been blaring for a long time.

It was two hours of sustained political brutality and vindication. That feeling is worth a thousand prayers, or breathing exercise chants. Whatever. It worked and I’ll do it for the rest of the race. And the best part was that Trump’s people still don’t know how to handle her. Motherfuckers, you wouldn’t know what to do with a woman that powerful if she came with instructions. Her numbers have moved modestly and since she ripped Biden’s nuts off, she’s been calling the president a “predator” and saying that we need to “prosecute the case.” Now, she’s talking about de-criminalizing weed and expunging records. Guuuurl… I love it! Tell me more.

Former Vice President Joe Biden

Oh, was I supposed to extol the virtues of Sacred Joe and maybe play devil’s advocate?! Nah. I’m begging my fellow Democrats, don’t make the same mistake again. We’re not Republicans. We’re not as good at lying to ourselves and everyone else and getting away with it. Biden’s numbers have rebounded since The Harris Incident in the first debate, and they tend to resemble Sanders’ polls from 2016. But the gloves are coming off in this week’s debates.

Here’s the truth about Biden. He’s a real dude. He’s fun and has a powerful magnetic field. That’s enough to be happy with. Or at least satisfied. He’s a flawed, good man. I can live with him as president. Even if he ends up not being the back-to-normal, transitional figure we hope he’ll be.

Yes, the country is under the control of a usurping, interloper, mad man, so it makes sense that for continuity of government purposes, the former most legitimately highest elected official may be the only one able to beat Trump. Along with Warren, history may demand it.

But power is a fickle bitch. There are few realizations worse than understanding that whatever magic you had is gone. Coming to terms with being less useful and living past your time is a hell of a feeling. It’s like being a ghost in your own life. Until Biden fully realizes that, we’ll be dancing with his ghost. If Biden falls in the primary, he will have served a godly purpose, by cutting Bernie Sanders’ unholy numbers in half, and clearing the field for Warren.

But we can’t settle for Biden like we did with Hillary Clinton. And if we must, he’ll need to throw us a better VP bone than someone like Tim Kaine. If you don’t believe me, please check the Hillary Clinton Presidential Library records from 2016. Biden knows the game. That’s why I’m right. I love Joe, but we can’t build a new world with people who are still loyal to the old one. We are gonna make it through this election, if it kills us!

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