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L to R: Maryland Governor Candidate Wes Moore and Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert

Nov 08, 2022 By Steve King Photography by Courtesy of the Wes Moore and Lauren Boebert Campaigns

Well, it’s almost over, guys. Oh, you thought I meant the midterm elections? No, I mean American democracy. Haha, lol. Democracies are always just on the edge of tipping over, but we’ve been a little… uh… edgier lately. There’s been a whole lot of edging going on. Yes, that was a blowjob joke in the first paragraph of a political article. You’re welcome, and enjoy, because it only gets scarier from here. Midterms are for the freaks, nerds, crazies, and partisans. Add in a little creeping fascism and things are about to get wild.

Joe Biden has accomplished more than any one-term president. He’s pardoned tens of thousands of non-violent marijuana offenses, passed epic infrastructure and climate legislation, forgiven millions of student loan debt, and he killed Ayman Zawahiri. Republicans have been talking about school kids shitting in litter boxes because they identify as cats. (They don’t.) The litter boxes in schools are there for extreme active shooter situations that might require kids to hide for extended periods of time. That sentence was so surreal and dystopian I had to read it twice.

As Biden was going full Dark Brandon and doing everything that Obama couldn’t, (for appearance’s sake), the Supreme Court killed Roe v. Wade with their Dobbs decision. The aftermath has been tragic and horrific. I always used to be one of those insufferable liberals who still believed in American Exceptionalism. The Dobbs decision has cured me of that delusion. This is no longer the greatest country on Earth. We are an empire in decline and only Democrats care about making us comfortable before we die. The only charitable way to look at it is the last ditch effort by an extremist party to control what little they can. The less charitable view would be that the godless New Yorker Trump has somehow co-opted the bumpkin Christian right into thinking he’s on their side. I mean, that’s what Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation was about. It was all about getting that last vote to kill Roe. Trump thought it was about saving himself, but Mitch McConnell knew it was about squeezing the last bit of power out of him. Turns out, the Christo-fascists were using Trump the same way he was using them.

It being a midterm election, there still has been no shortage of dumbfuckery. Misinformation apparently spreads like a virus and Trump was patient-zero for the election-denying acolytes who are running and going to win a lot of offices that will set the stage for an attempted stolen election in 2024. No pressure, guys.

The most surprising thing of the Biden administration has been how presidential the man himself has been. J’Biden has been so dignified it’s difficult for the brain to process. This is Joe “Gaffe Factory” Biden we’re talking about. He keeps a decent schedule, and is about as late as all the other Democratic presidents were.

This election is weird. Gary Chambers: a Democrat running in Louisiana ran some great ads where he smoked a blunt and burned the confederate flag. That was cool. He’s got no chance, but it was refreshing to see someone tell it like it is. No one really knows what’s going to happen. Democrats thought the Dobbs decision would help them, but Republicans voters are coming home. But based just on the number of Democratic members retiring in the House, they will lose Congress. Take that to the bank.

The Senate is a little harder to game out. Nevada, Wisconsin, Arizona, Georgia, and Pennsylvania are super-weird. Catherine Cortez-Mastro is talented but in trouble and there’s no structural Republican party apparatus in Nevada, so that lets you know where the national mood is. It’s kind like PA but with all of Wisonson’s spectacular ignorance. Wisconsin may be a lost cause this year because they’ve betrayed Democrats before. They can’t be counted on in a clutch. I think Mark Kelley is safe in Arizona. In Georgia, Herschel Walker, while clearly suffering from a traumatic brain injury, is somehow running pretty much even with Raphael Warnock. And John Fetterman is a couple points ahead of Dr. Oz.

None of these races should be close considering the quality of the Republican candidates, but this is the first midterm of an incumbent Democratic president’s term. This is the way things work. Whoever is in charge takes a beating, but control of the Senate hangs by a thread because of a bunch of weirdos.

Can you imagine Walker’s first Senate floor speech? Neither can he! Fetterman has run an incredible campaign but the stroke he suffered earlier in the year and his extremely uncomfortable and disastrous debate performance has made some question how effective he’ll be in the Senate. It’s a shame because before his stroke he was easily one of the best communicators the Democratic party had. Anyway, good luck, PA! Neither is not an option.

I know this sounds crazy, but a bunch of Republican candidates ended up being total psychos. Crazy, right?! One was literally caught beating his dick next to a school. I’m not kidding. Oh, and according to Salon.com, Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert ended up either being being an actual sex worker or just an idiot (it’s hard to tell), meaning that she has more of a chance at being a successful politician than anyone ever suspected. In politics and sex, being an idiot is no hindrance, although it does help to know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” even if your husband is a legit sex offender.

Three hundred Republican candidates this year are 2020 election deniers running for everything from school boards to Secretaries of State and governorships. We’re set to have a blood moon eclipse today, so that’s not a good sign. Violent crime is up, but it’s up in red states. Then again, it always has been. Two years of Republican hysteria attacking gay and trans kids, voter suppression bills, literal Satanic Panic, and America is maybe about to hand the keys to the kingdom back over to a party that hasn’t had a platform since 2016. Great job, everyone!

My beloved home state of Maryland is hopefully about to elect its first Black governor via Wes Moore, who will undoubtedly be a president one day, so that’s nice. I just hope we still have democracy in America by the time he runs…

What does all of this mean for the election? No one knows! Democrats will likely lose the House, Republican voters are coming home, mainly because of the global recession we’re in. Voting for a nazi won’t change that. Every country in the world just spent trillions to get out of the pandemic, so of course there’s high inflation. I’m not an economist but I even figured that one out.

Everyone is expecting violence surrounding the election, one way or another. I mean, a Q-Anon guy with a hit list just tried to assassinate Nancy Pelosi. As soon as this thing is over, we’re full throttle into 2024. 2023 will breathe life back into our nightmares and be political life tearing at the seams. Remember 2010 and 2011? They sucked but 2023 and 2024 will be so much worse. Get scared right now! And Trump is totally running. The official announcement is next week.

For now, Trump is still a private citizen, and since the Justice Department tries to stay out of politics in the final days of a race, his indictment for stealing classified documents will probably come just after the election. That’s what last night was all about. It’s really his only move: Be exiled permanently or become the most powerful person in the world again.

Happy voting, you fucks!