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The Trump Plague: Viral Politics in the Age of Fuckery

This Is What Happens When You Elect an Idiot

May 04, 2020 By Steve King Web Exclusive
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Well, it only took him three years, but Trump finally beat George W. Bush for the title of worst president ever. It’s not as though the president created the virus. It’s not his fault. But he did make it much easier for the coronavirus to ravage the country. He was warned about it for months, downplayed it, fired pandemic preparedness teams, bungled the response, and now he’s botching the rest. He had a dog breeder on the pandemic task force, for Christ’s sake. Even the My Pillow guy got in on the action. Would the virus have hit America with Hillary Clinton as president? Yeah. But someone who’s made healthcare a big part of her political life would have been infinitely more prepared than a guy who admitted to not caring about mass casualty events.

Thank god the Democratic primary race ended when it did. And it is appropriate that Former Vice President Biden may have to be the one to clean up another disastrous Republican president’s epic clusterfuck. But this is what happens when you elect an idiot. Rick Wilson tried to warn us: Everything Trump Touches Dies.

Before we get ahead of ourselves let’s take a look at the state of play. Trump has raised an ungodly amount of money, and incumbent presidents rarely lose reelection. Joe Biden would need to raise one million dollars a day to catch up. Normal retail campaigning is impossible, and the party conventions have been postponed or changed completely. The Republican convention is still on, as Trump (in his infinite genius) wants to get all of the most prominent Republicans in the country to hang out in a windowless room to speak in tongues and scream for days, catch the virus and die.

Biden, for his part, has coasted. (He did beat Bernie Sanders pretty easily, though.) He has campaigned less than Hillary Clinton did, gone missing a few times, and largely ceded the floor for Trump to make an ass out of himself in the coronavirus daily press briefings. When your opponent is hanging himself, make sure he’s got plenty of rope. Biden has also, for now, escaped the brunt of the one allegation of sexual assault, at least until Trump starts using it to attack him. The whole thing is really shady af but it raises a lot of dark questions, the hardest being: How many morals are you prepared to sacrifice to stop Trump? There are no good answers. Plus, there are million other reasons Biden might lose. At least he’s on the right track.

In the meantime, the rest of this election year has been the craziest of all time. Trump’s failure concerning COVID-19 is such a disaster that it’s hard to keep track of the death count, and the economic and supply disruptions—and that doesn’t even account for the resulting paranoia and chaos. People are setting 5G cell towers on fire because they think they’re spreading the virus, and 30% of Americans think it was developed in a lab (don’t worry, Super Cop Bill Barr is looking into it), wild animals are taking over the world again, there was a forest fire at Chernobyl, volcanoes are erupting, and air pollution is down, because we’re not traveling. Locusts and Ebola are back, and super cannibal rat armies are coming. “Murder hornets” have reached America.

Tens of thousands of Americans are dead, tens of millions have lost their jobs, businesses are shuttered, professional sports aren’t being played, schools/universities and movie theaters are closed, and we may be on the verge of a Depression. We’re already in a recession. Landmarks and national parks are closed. Beaches without idiot mayors or governors are closed. Summer festivals have been cancelled. Insane Clown Posse called off The Gathering of the Juggalos. If Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are more responsible than the president or Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, then we’ve got a fucking problem.

We’ve entered the general election and can’t hold rallies. Celebrities have been infected, and film and television productions have stopped. Rona stopped the production of the second season of my beloved Euphoria. Unforgivable but Jules and Rue must be protected at all costs.

Where was I? Right… The fall of society…. Anyway, people are getting into fights in grocery stores and buses just for coughing, others are tip-baiting gig economy workers, there are food shortages, and long, socially distanced lines. We’re all horny, like really horny, stuck inside shaving our heads and growing beards, crashing Netflix while we watch old sitcoms. Tiktok videos have gotten super-creative. Steak-Umm is a fountain of wisdom. Cops played “The Purge” siren to signal citizens it was time for curfew. We’re all going a little crazy.

We find our different small moments of joy when we can, but the end of the world isn’t as much fun as we thought it would be. Mainly because mass graves are being dug for all of the dead New Yorkers, and one half of the country is actively turning into a suicide cult.

Conservatives have recommended “infection parties,” and the president thought it was a good idea to let the virus “wash over” the country in order to achieve herd immunity. It cannot be measured just how much of a monumental fuck up the president is. His press briefings are worthless, weird, often nonsensical, and pissy. They’re basically the Jimmy Carter “Malaise Speech” but every day at dinner time. Enjoy! He has essentially treated state governors like he did old employees or game show contestants, but making them compete for life-saving supplies. And even then, supplies seemed to be delivered in states friendly to the president. Maryland’s own Republican Governor Hogan got supplies himself from his wife’s native South Korea. (Hogan is building quite the 2024 Republican resume.) Trump also got into a fight with Gretchen Whitmer, like an idiot.

Epidemiologists have actually had to modify their models and projections because of the stupid things he says. He’s hawked an ineffective and dangerous drug as a treatment for the virus; one he, of course, has business connections to. Or he maybe got it from a guy named (I wish I were kidding)... Joe Pizza… seriously. A few people died after following the president’s medical advice. This all feels like a nightmare that none of us are able to wake up from.

This is America’s reckoning. When you make a deal with the devil, you pay in blood. This country elected an unqualified, demagogic idiot, and a few short years later more American civilians died on American soil than there have been in 100 years. When you let someone like Trump into your house, don’t be surprised when he tries to roofie your daughter. This guy tried to set aside $50 billion for himself in the trillion dollar stimulus package, and then when he couldn’t, he fired the watchdog. He is such a toxic person that you have to wear a mask just to go grocery shopping. Think on that. Turns out hatred and negativity aren’t great when it comes to electing our politicians. Enjoy Trump’s cruelty? Guess you won’t mind sitting inside with it all day? Trapped in your own private hell made from all your bad instincts? LOL. Now America is just as panicked, scared, paranoid, and as sick (or sicker) than its president.

There’s nothing more reassuring than a president declaring a national emergency, talking about his “Absolute Power,” and then straight up saying on camera that he takes no responsibility. At least his company put out the medical advice that vodka can treat the virus. That was before he talked about the antiviral benefits of UV rays and injecting disinfectants, which was after he talked about his hair and banging models. Lysol had to warn against ingesting its products, and people still poisoned themselves though.

When church congregations and Liberty University didn’t observe social distancing guidelines, their members were infected. After many states postponed their primaries, and Wisconsin Republicans didn’t, in order to win a state Supreme Court race, voters were infected. Wisconsin Republicans lost the race anyway. It was one of the sickest, most cynical, and most depraved political elections in modern American history, and a pretty good indicator of how Republicans plan to steal states like Wisconsin in November.

After Trump’s dumbass Easter deadline to “reopen the economy” passed, he, along with a little astroturfing coordination, encouraged supporters to “liberate” the states he didn’t like. Groups of armed (for what reason? To shoot the virus?), confederate flag waving idiots (again, unrelated to the virus) protested. Later, wouldn’t you know it, some of those patriots got sick. For America. You guys might not believe in science, but it sure as hell believes in you, Bubba. Forget about the fact that the government was already tracking people. This was all while China and Russia were pumping us with disinformation. We’re losing track of the real game here. It’s about using “essential workers” until they die and can be replaced by more of the working poor. And to keep them from voting, of course. They are seen as disposable. McConnell wants states to go bankrupt because it will kill state government programs. Fox hired an army of lawyers because their misinformation is getting people killed.

One political party and their proxies are not operating in good faith. As if they ever did, but it has been put on full blast now. They lied, downplayed it, called it a “hoax,” and then once the pandemic took hold of the country, they bullshitted the response. Thousands died, but this is also the same party that wants to protect you from the virus? It doesn’t work that way. You mean to tell me that the same people who ran to gun stores as the shit popped off, the same people who have kids in cages (who are also catching the virus), the same people who want more lower-income workers to be sacrificed in order to restart the Depression era economy, that those same people have my best interests at heart? Go fuck yourself.

Mar-a-Lago had to be deep-cleaned, not because of the Eyes Wide Shut orgy/Republican fundraisers, but because a ton of people had the virus. How many Mar-a-Lago shitbirds had to self-quarantine? I mean, they had to test the RNC Chair. That’s pretty incredible. And never mind the big government spending, stimulus, bailouts, and their evil socialism…this is all part of the long-promised QAnon “Storm.” They’re going to bring those kids out of the sewers like The Tethered from Us. Or whatever.

Until that miraculous day, we have High Politics to deal with. Joe Biden has good swing state numbers, but they’re soft, and the campaign hasn’t really kicked into high gear yet. Though the idea of high gear campaigning is probably about to change. Biden’s numbers are only slightly better than Hillary Clinton’s, and he’s a stronger candidate than she was.

We started this year on the verge of World War III and by March were enveloped in a global plague. It’s some kind of poetic justice that a notorious germaphobe homebody president may have his time in office undone by a virus. But the universe has a way of dealing with presidents who cheat to get the top job. Look at John Quincy Adams, JFK, LBJ, Nixon, George W. Bush. The universe cannot abide cheaters and it has a cruel sense of justice.

I’m not sure a year’s worth of advertising telling people to “Stay Home” will have a positive impact on turnout in the fall, and between now and then Trump will try to blame his failure on, in no particular order: Obama, Biden, Hillary Clinton, China, the WHO, me, you, everyone. It feels like we’re headed toward a messy ending. Wisconsin has guaranteed that. We can’t safely vote by mail if the Post Office is gone.

By the end of the year we may still not know the number of our dead, or who voted, or tried to vote where. There is no way for Congress to pass any election protection or universal vote-by-mail because the president calls anything that might level the playing field “unfair” or “fraud,” and Cocaine Mitch McConnell never met a Republican president’s dick he wasn’t thrilled to swing from. If McConnell was hanging onto Trump’s dick any harder he’d be his nutsack. That’s why Trump is allowing the Post Office to go under. Just as the virus is mostly infecting Americans of color, the same dynamic will be taken advantage of in states still controlled by Republicans. The coronavirus offers a million new ways for Republicans to ratfuck African Americans out of the right to vote.

During one of the lost months that he had to properly respond to the pandemic, Trump tweeted, among many other inane memes, one of himself as Nero. In 2016, we couldn’t articulate exactly how terrible a president Trump would be, but in 2020 we know all about his aggressive ineptitude. If kids in cages didn’t disqualify this president for reelection, the coronavirus should. If the president wins reelection after this pandemic, we deserve whatever happens. No one will be able to say they weren’t warned and didn’t know better. We get the government we deserve, and it can only get better if we improve. Politics matters. Voting has real life consequences. Consequences that can help or kill a lot of people.

Anyway, those are the stakes. If you’re still alive or gainfully employed, maybe take a moment to ask yourself an easy question: Am I better off now than I was four years ago? Or how about this: When was the last time I saw toilet paper in the store?

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