Advice from Paradise #4

Q: These past few years I’ve been in and out of so many easy and nice, yet not-really-the-right-fit, dead-end relationships. I guess I’m an unusually peculiar person, and the sensibilities that jive with mine are probably quite rare.

Maybe I should take it slower, maybe propose working on some music together and get to know her better first to find out whether there’s really a foundation for something between us… Whatever should I do?

A: Hi! Firstly, I’d like to point out something I noticed. You mentioned that you dream of creating music with this person, but at the risk of sounding crass, you might be suffering from a small case of the getting-ahead-of-yourself syndrome. This syndrome is very common, but it’s a big psychological no-no because it can’t possibly help you win the girl. It dips its toe into a warm and tepid water that is more the temperature of desperation than the cool refreshing waters of a lighthearted crush. You feel me? I know I’m mixing metaphors, but hey, sometimes it works.

As a musician who has experienced the “let’s jam together” pickup line more than once, I have a weird piece of advice to give you. Instead of asking her to jam together, why not offer your services to her. You could offer to play in her band, record a song for her, melodyne her out of tune vocals, or write a chorus for her. ; ) Or invite her to a concert that you’re sure she wouldn’t pass up! The reason I’m suggesting this is because you’ve already put yourself out there, and she hasn’t been as responsive as you hoped. This should be your last effort, without losing any pride. Forget about her if she doesn’t respond positively this time around. (Plus, you can move on assuredly since she doesn’t even know of NMH. What kind of respectable indie rocker doesn’t?! Har har.)

Really, as much as everyone hates to be told this, there ARE a lot of fish in the sea, along with many ways to meet them. If you find that your interests are too rarefied, try being interested in ONE thing that isn’t. Time to put away your collection of medieval instruments of death and torture, and try yoga instead! Just kidding.

Q: I’ve been casually dating for the past six months or so—doing the OkCupid thing, and getting set up with friends of friends. I’ve met a lot of cool people, but no one that I felt any real chemistry with. Everyone is perfectly nice, but no sparks. In these situations, if you feel like someone likes you, what’s the best way to “end it,” even if you’ve only been out on a couple of dates? What’s the high road here? I don’t know that I feel comfortable with radio silence. I feel like there should be something decisive, so you don’t leave someone hangin’, but “I think we should just be friends” feels lame and disingenuous. Is there a way to say something like “I think you’re cool, smart, and attractive, but I’m just not attracted to you!” (Only, you know, in a more tactful way?) Or is that patronizing? I think when I’m on the other side, I appreciate honesty, but determining the right amount of honesty is tough. Any thoughts?

Thanks!

A: Good question! I think the high road depends on how many dates you’ve been on. If you got intimate with them either physically or emotionally, then the “break off” (as opposed to a “break up”, which is the wrong term for this situation) should resemble some form of a conversation. I suppose an email is okay, though a phone call is preferable (in-person break ups can be reserved for real relationships, but texting break ups are tacky to me).

Recently I was seeing someone, and he told me he didn’t want to be friends if we stopped seeing each other. I really respected and appreciated the honesty. We won’t be friends and we probably won’t even see each other again unless we bump into each other at the grocery store. And there are so many grocery stores in Los Angeles, that’s pretty unlikely. To be frank, I’m not looking for more friends, either, so it was a relief to hear that. Let’s ditch “let’s be friends” once and for all, because really, there’s no point in saying things we don’t mean! And while we’re at it, let’s get rid of any type of this “it’s not you it’s me” business. It’s just insulting! Because it’s definitely YOU, but it’s also the combination of YOU and ME.

I can’t tell you how to calculate the quantity of honesty in any “break off” tactic, but it should be somewhat tactful. Get it? Tact is the name of the game. Don’t be too honest as to hurt their feelings, instead, make the truth into a bite-size chunk that won’t leave a sour taste… Good luck! XO Nedelle

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