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Aug 29, 2016 By Austin Trunick Web Exclusive

Alright, kids, pull up your chairs and gather ‘round old Grandpa Movie Critic. I’m gonna tell you about a time when I was young – when men were men, and movies were movies. These were the nineteen eighties, back when films came on little black tapes and you had to walk a mile – up-hill both ways, mind you – to a special store to rent ‘em. In those days, the clerk didn’t care if you were a kid and the movie was R-rated, just so long as you rewound it before bringing it back.

::slowly, steadily rocks his porch swing::

Back in those good ol’ days, action movies had action. They starred real men; men like Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Jackie Chan: men who knew karate. Those movies didn’t bury their blows in rapid-cut editing or CGI, like all those namby-pamby “action” movies you kids like these days. I get it – times have changed, and your Matt Damons and Daniel Craigs don’t want to get their pearly whites knocked out while shooting a knock-down, drag-out fight to the death. Back in the ‘80s, though, the best action stars were the ones who weren’t afraid to take a kick to the face. Chuck Norris was a middle-aged man, but we never questioned whether or not his boot heels actually made contact with a terrorist’s jaw. Hell, Jackie Chan would throw himself off a roof and through six sheets of plate glass if he thought it would look cool on camera.

::carefully unfolds and re-folds his newspaper four times, adjusts pillow behind back::

I bet you think I’m going to go on about how “they just don’t make ‘em like they used to,” but, well, that just isn’t true. Thank your lucky stars, because some folks still care about making movies where you watch every elbow to the head and wonder how much it hurt, or whether or not the blood running down the hero’s face may actually be real blood. Most of these folks are making their movies in Thailand or Indonesia, but there are still a few holdouts lingering on the fringes of the Hollywood system.

::chugs bottle of Ensure, lobs it at neighborhood children playing on his lawn::

Kickboxer: Vengeance is a “reboot” of the classic franchise that began with the Cannon Group and originally starred Jean-Claude Van Damme. Roundabout thirty years ago, Cannon was the studio responsible for many of the most badass of action franchises — stuff like Delta Force, Death Wish and American Ninja — and some of the genre’s most beloved features, including Bloodsport, Invasion U.S.A. and Cyborg. This new movie’s directed by a guy, John Stockwell, who cut his teeth at Cannon, so it already has a leg up going in. Plus it co-stars our man Van Damme, but more on that later.

::unscrews flask, pours contents into the mug of coffee he’s been holding since 4:30am::

This Kickboxer redux sticks pretty close to the storyline of the 1989 original. Newcomer Alain Moussi plays Kurt Sloane, the same hero Van Damme played in the first movie. His brother — a fellow martial arts badass — is killed in an underground kickboxing match against the infamous Muay Thai master, Tong Po. To avenge his sibling’s death, Kurt travels to Bangkok and trains under the tutelage of his brother’s former teacher so that he can one day enter the ring and kickbox off the head of his brother’s murderer. Moussi does a fine job filling Van Damme’s shoes as Kurt Sloane; the producers needed someone not only likable and charming, but who appeared believably deadly – a Michael Dudikoff-type, if you will. A professional stuntman who’s resume includes work on the X-Men franchise, this is Moussi’s first major leading role. He needed to convince us his Kurt Sloane was all about three things: women, martial arts, and justice. Not only does he pull that off well, but he’s fully equipped with an arsenal of backflips, front flips, splits, roundhouse kicks, and every other important action movie move. Because Moussi does so much fighting himself, every battle has extra, visceral impact — some of the blows are so well-choreographed that it’s hard to buy how the performer wasn’t hospitalized while shooting it. (With all of his experience as a professional stunt man, you have to imagine that Moussi’s taken his fair share of stray roundhouse kicks to the ribs over the years.) When it comes to making a movie like this, well-choreographed fights are key. Several of his opponents are pros, including main baddie Tong Po, who is played by WWE and MMA fighter Dave Bautista, and UFC fighters Georges St-Pierre, Cain Velasquez and Fabricio Werdum.

::removes dentures, lobs them at dog rooting around his garden::

That brings us to Jean-Claude Van Damme. The Muscles from Brussels turns up here in the old mentor role, which is sort of perfect when you think about it. In a nice throwback for fans of the original, Van Damme passes on the Kickboxer torch and trains the new Kurt Sloane in the finer arts of kicking ass. JCVD even gets in a couple fights of his own to prove he can hold his own at 55 years of age – but it’s even more fun to see him show off his sense of humor as theissage, whip-cracking trainer, making the younger Moussi high-kick coconuts out of the air and forcing him to pull him around in a wheelbarrow. Yes, there is even a training montage – and all it’s missing is a motivational power ballad from someone like Stan Bush or Kenny Loggins. Instead, it’s set to a pounding hip-hop track, which I hear is what you kids are more into these days, anyway.

::closes eyes for nap, continues speaking::

Kickboxer: Vengeance is one of those rare remakes that updates the franchise for a new audience, but retains enough of the old flavor to satisfy fans of the original. It doesn’t add that much new to the genre, but new isn’t always necessary. Sure, this new flick hits nearly all the same beats as the old one, but it hits them with a high-kick straight to the neck at 45 miles per hour. If you like these sort of movies, that’s all you need. Now, get off my damn porch.

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Author rating: 7/10